Tuesday, 31 May 2011

MARKET EXPECTATIONS



When I am stuck in a fashion rut, like now, and am bored with the High Street (Zara) uninspired by all the high-end stuff (no millions in the bank) I make plans to head to Portobello.

Portobello, and other markets in London, are basically places where you can get away with buying a lot of crap for not very much money - but still impress people with how savvy you are.

People: Oh, I love your earrings, they're so unique, where are they from?
Me: Portobello (they cost two quid, I bargained them down to £1.97, I think I saw them in Topshop the other day, they are actually killing my ears right now. Ow.)
People: Oh amazing (I really should explore London more often, I'm so unadventurous, I'm going to go this weekend, maybe I'll check out that exhibition at the V&A and go to a 7am Bikram yoga class while I'm at it)
Me: I knoooow, I love that place, found some real gems (I go once a year. For about half an hour. Never find anything. I only go to convince myself I'm an adventurous shopper...even though it's down the road from where I live...I did go to Borough once, but it was so long ago I don't remember it, think I bought a jar of chutney, I may still have it)
People: you're so right, I'm going this weekend (who am I kidding? I'll never bloody go, does lunch at the Electric count?)

P.S Say hello to the new Chanel handbags out this September. The collection is called the 'boy'...a man you should always have on your arm...


Monday, 30 May 2011

HEY, IT'S JUST NOT OK TO WEAR....


Five new trends to avoid this summer if you have any brain cells at all:

1. Denim hotpants and bare legs on the streets of London - no matter how skinny or pre-pubescent you think you are. Best saved for hols.

2. Animal print harem pants - no explanation necessary methinks.

3. The new eight-inch Louboutins a la Vic B at the Royal Wedding - I'm all for a helluva' heel but not even red soles can de-slag these shoes.


4. Cut-away swimsuit..Ok, look, I admit I made this mistake. Once. I was young-ish. Never. Ever. Ever. Again.

5. High-waisted flares - Elle 'The Body' Macpherson couldn't pull them off...what makes you think you can?  #cameltoe

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

TAKE THE PLUNGE

Gwen Stefani is amazing, I don't know why she is, but she is. She has the ability to make anything look good.

LOVE this Stella McCartney jumpsuit she wore in Cannes. Love the hot pink lipstick. Love the curls. Just love.


And now see Chezza for how not to do plunging neckline...


 P.S I tried on an Hermes scarf at the weekend then realised I'm not a) middle-aged housewife or b) my mother, a  middle-aged housewife.

So I bought (read husband bought, I am so broke it hurts *sobs*) a super cute Mulberry one instead.

They come in a variety of prints and colours and are all fabulous...go and buy one now and demonstrate my power to shift designer goods which will eventually get me freebies and I'll never have to pay for anything ever again, like all those other fashion blog people! Well go on then!



Monday, 16 May 2011

THE DRESS THAT HAD TWO FACES

I love this Max Mara dress.

It has that amazing duality I always look for an in an outfit.

It says:

1. Look, I'm so demure. I bake. Your mother will love me.


2. Haha, no she won't! I'm a sexy vixen who will eat you alive, leave you brokenhearted and run off with all your money!


Plus white is, like, so totally hot right now.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

TAKE ONE-PIECE...




Is there anything in the world scarier than a bikini?

YES!!!

A one-piece.

Just look at Chanel's cruise collection, one-piecing all over the catwalk.

Ok, model looks great (duh) and they are elegant and remind me of all kinds of pre-Lady Gaga stars who were classy, discreet and photographed in an age when HD - and thus documented cellulite - did not exist.

And now you can be very a la mode walking around town wearing one with a classic Chanel jacket.

AS. IF.

They're so unflattering, they instill the fear of God in me...(she says, trawling online for similar version made entirely of Spanx)

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

HOLIDAY BLUES


I got back from my fun in the sun yesterday and decided to attack life with renewed vigour.

Well, I had decided to do that until jet lag kicked in, husband turned our kitchen walls a putrid shade of 'vegetable soup' (why can men operate heavy machinery and understand complicated sports but when it comes to simple kitchen equipment like a blender, the concept of screwing the lid on tightly escapes them?)

So yeah, energy, new take on life, bla bla has dissipated, along with my tan.

Which is not only fading, but peeling in a way that is making me question myself (am I secretly an alien morphing into some kind of reptile thing or does human skin seriously come off that easily?)

Not only that but I am in major financial trouble having plundered funds on essential last minute holiday wardrobe.

My good intentions of saving for 'quality rather than quantity' went out the window two ill-fitting dresses later, that I couldn't be bothered to return (note to self: must remember I look nothing like models on Net-a-Porter)

So I made a last minute dash to Zara and spent the budget deficit of Brazil.

The problem with buying so much crap is, despite the elation at cutting tags off all the brand-new clothes in my hotel room, when I got home, I had to dump the entire contents of my suitcase into the bin.

What do I have to show for my expenditures? An overdraft, lecture from husband  (Him: you really need to grow up. Me: jeeeez, *eye rolling*, that's a bit harsh) and a pair of pink jeans, which look great in the Caribbean and frankly quite ridiculous in the real world.


Made me want to give up on fashion altogether.

Until I flicked through this month's Harpers. Soft, white D&G lace a la Gisele on Vogue cover everywhere..but not in my closet...YET.

P.S I am choosing to misplace the note to self that says I don't look a thing like Gisele.